Counselling in Wokingham – Letting Go

Posted on May 19, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

Sometimes relationships come to an end – this may not particularly be anyone’s fault, but people or circumstances change and it is best to move on. This can be difficult, especially if one of you wants to continue to work at the relationship, while the other is sure that it is time to end it.

lettinggo3When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, there will nearly always be adjustments that you need to make when the relationship ends. Some things, practical things, are obvious – one of you will probably be finding somewhere else to live; the routines of the week will change – you may have to do some chores that your partner always did; arrangements regarding the kids will be different and probably more complicated; financially things will be different, and so on.

Other changes, particularly emotional changes, may be more difficult to predict. You are maybe used to looking out for your partner, trying to help them to be happy, taking a certain amount of responsibility for their wellbeing. Or you may rely on your partner for emotional support, and feel lonely and frightened when they are no longer there. On the other hand, you may experience less anger, fear or unhappiness, so there may be a huge sense of relief for you when you are on your own. The exact nature of the changes will be different for everybody but if you have been in a long-term relationship, it’s likely that you will experience significant emotional upheaval.

There will be various people in ours lives who are significant to us – as well as our partner there may be friends, family, colleagues and others, not necessarily all still alive in body, but still alive inside us.

lettinggo2It is as if we have miniaturised versions of these people that we carry around inside us, who are able to hold conversations with us. They may encourage us, support us, insult us, criticise us, but whatever they say, their opinions affect us. Some of these miniature people are quite small, and only some to mind occasionally. Others are quite big and seem to be with us nearly all the time.

So when a relationship ends, we need to make emotional as well as practical adjustments. Your partner may have left your life forever, but the miniaturised version will still be there, whether you want them to be or not. Over time, that internalised version will become smaller and eventually reach a size that we are comfortable with, that we are at peace with, and then we can truly say that we have “moved on”.

lettinggo1I was speaking to a client recently who had a very close relationship with her grandmother. When, many years ago, her grandmother died, she missed her enormously. Now, as she described it, her grandmother is still with her, but not all the time. She sits on a little chair in a corner of my client’s memory most of the time, but when invited, will stand up and come more to the centre of her mind. There she will offer comfort, support or advice before, smiling gently, she resumes her seat in the corner and waits patiently until she is next needed.

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Counselling in Wokingham – Who Am I?

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

How do we develop a sense of self, an identity?  How do we decide, or discover what is important to us?

It is, I think, an ongoing process which starts early on, in childhood, but which never stops.  And I think it happens partly in a gradual, evolutionary way, and partly in an abrupt, revolutionary way.

whoami2The process typically starts through our interaction with our parents or primary carers.  They will start to teach us rules and values – their own rules and values, or course.  Some of these will be taught overtly : “Don’t talk with your mouth full” ; “Say please” ; “Don’t hit your sister”.  But we also learn in more subtle ways, by observing how our parents behave as individuals and as a couple – and whether they present us with a positive or a negative role model, we still learn from it – either wanting to copy it, or do the opposite of it.  How important is physical closeness to you?  How do you deal with conflict?  Is silence comfortable or scary?  All these things will be influenced by our observations from an early age and will continue to be powerful throughout our lives.

As we grow up, we are exposed to more influences and ideas – from school, friends, other families, from religion, and also from TV and other media.  And we will start, without thinking about it, to sort and filter these ideas and experiences so that they start to knit together.  But it’s rather like building a house without a detailed plan of what it’s going to look like.  We tack a room on here, and another one on there.  We decide we don’t like that last piece we added and knock it down again.  We want to add a second storey and have to redesign parts of the first storey to make room for a staircase.

The more stable our childhood is, the more time and space we have to construct our building – our sense of self – in a controlled and coherent way.  If our life is subject to a lot of change, we are more likely to need to be involved in emergency repairs, abandoning parts of the house that fall into disrepair, suddenly decamping to a new room that feels safer.

whoami3Teenage years are typically a time when we try to sort things out.  Rebellious teenagers may reject their parents’ values and “go off the rails” – exploring alternatives that may feel better for them.  Typically such exploration will lead on to a period of regrouping, when they re-evaluate what they’ve rejected and often “settle down”.  Other people may re-evaluate things at different times, going through “mid life crisis” perhaps.

whoami1To return to the analogy of the building, sometimes when everything seems well-constructed and stable, there can be an earthquake.  The death of a parent, the break-up of a long-term relationship – or, topically, the discovery that the TV personality we admired as a child is actually a sex offender.  Such earthquakes can rip away foundations from our house and seemingly leave it in ruins.  Then we have to sort through the debris, to see what can be salvaged and rebuilt, what needs to be thrown away, and what replaced.

The whole process of working out who we are is a complicated one, and one that for the most part, we do not think about – until there is a crisis.  But when there is a crisis, though it leaves out house in ruins, it also represents an opportunity to build a better house, on firmer ground, with proper foundations, and to build it in a planned, coherent way…an opportunity for a fresh start.

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Counselling in Wokingham – Anger

Posted on May 5, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

Is anger a positive or a negative emotion? If you read this blog regularly, it won’t surprise you to hear me say that I think it all depends – it depends on what you do with your anger.

anger3Anger is often associated with shouting, swearing, and various abusive or violent behaviours. This is what gives anger a bad name, that often, angry people inflict their anger on others who don’t deserve it. Many a friendship has been lost in this way, many a relationship has ben destroyed. Even when your partner has done something to make you angry, it is very unlikely to be constructive to display your anger in an uncontrolled manner. It will, most probably, leave them liking you less, fearing you more, and also will leave you feeling guilty about your behaviour and liking yourself less.

It is much better if you can understand the feelings that lie beneath your anger – maybe you are hurt or scared – and explain that to your partner : “When you threatened to leave me I felt very angry with you, and I also felt scared that you might actually walk out.”. Such statements can open the door to constructive conversation rather than destructive arguments.

anger2Of course, it’s difficult to sit and have a calm conversation when you’re feeling angry, and so it’s good to be able to diffuse your anger, to take the edge off it, to bring it under control, before you try to talk about it and what has caused it. One good way to do this is with some vigorous exercise – going to the gym or for a run, digging the garden, doing the housework. Anger can also be difficult because it can leave us feeling out of control, and so doing something that gives us a feeling of control can be useful – tidying up, watching a favourite TV show or listening to a familiar piece of music might be helpful. We all have our own ways of dealing with anger and it is good to be aware of what most helps you.

Underlying the top level of anger, the level that makes us want to shout and scream, there can be a deeper anger, an underlying feeling, and this is often associated with a sense of injustice – something done to us, maybe a long time ago, may leave us embittered and angry. Equally we may feel angry about how a friend or relative has been treated, or about poverty in the third world, or whale culling, or discrimination.

anger1Such underlying anger can be very powerful. There is a huge energy lying beneath the surface. This anger, this energy, can be a huge source of strength if channelled into something constructive. It may be that you have a creative outlet for this anger, if you are musical or artistic for example. Picasso’s anti-war painting, “Guernica”, springs to mind. Sports people often have a way to channel such energy into intensive training or performance – as if they are compressing a gas into a small container. For others of us, it may be that we can better achieve our short-term goals by taking our anger and changing from it a destructive emotion to a constructive one.

If we have suffered great injustice or just a lot of bad luck, we can be left angry and feel that we are a victim of malevolence or circumstance. If we can take that anger and use it to fight for something that we want to achieve it can turn our negative emotions to positive ones. Then, rather than feeling like a victim, we can instead see ourself as a survivor; rather than feeling sorry for ourself, we can instead feel pride in what we’ve done.

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Counselling in Wokingham – Uncertainty

Posted on April 28, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

It seems that as human beings we crave certainty, we like answers, we seek explanations.

This is, I suppose, what science is about. The quest for knowledge, to discover things, or to offer cohesive theories about them.

uncertain3Our quest for certainty is reflected in books and films, which for the most part contain some sort of resolution. Classically, in a whodunit, the great detective gathers all the suspects in the library, to reveal not only who the murderer is, but also to explain the clues they found, and how they used them. Everything is neatly explained, everything fits together, there are no loose ends. We can shut the book and get on with our life.

Not all endings are as neat as the whoodunit’s, but there tends to be some sort of resolution. In “Citizen Kane”, we discover the secret of Rosebud, even though nobody in the film does. In Casablanca, Rick makes a momentous decision. Lovers get together or part forever, the hero triumphs over the villain, the crook is caught or gets away.

uncertain1Imagine what books or films might be like without a resolution. Suppose the great detective gathered everyone in the library and said “I’m sorry but I’m really confused. I have no idea who the murderer is.” THE END!! We might feel a bit cheated by that, I think.

And yet, in real life, we often have to deal with uncertainty. Sometimes we have to wait to find out answers. Will I get the job? Will my mother recover from her illness? The uncertainty isn’t nice to live with, but eventually it will end. But at other times we will never know the answers. Why did my relationship come to an end? Has my partner told me the whole truth about their relationship with their work-mate? We can make guesses, we can construct explanations that may or may not be true but ultimately we cannot be sure, we have to find a way to live with the uncertainty.

Certainty and control are linked, I think. If we have explanations and answers, if we feel we understand things, then we have a measure of control; we feel we know how to influence the present and the future. If we are less sure, if we are uncertain about why things have happened, how can we be certain about the future? Our fear is that bad thing will happen to us, things we have no way of preventing. Maybe this is why the human race has always sought religion. It can provide answers to questions that otherwise we would be uncertain about. It can give us certainty about that great uncertainty – death.

uncertain2Certainty also has a neatness about it. It has straight sides, it can be wrapped up easily, it can be put in a box and stowed away. Uncertainty keeps moving about, it changes shape, it is a gas rather than a solid. It is impossible to wrap up and impossible to contain. You cannot grasp it, hold onto it, control it.

So how can we cope with uncertainty? As I write that sentence I am aware of a need in me to find an answer to that question; not to leave my readers up in the air; to offer a way forward; to reveal who the murderer is. But perhaps it would be more in keeping with this piece to leave the question unanswered….

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Counselling in Wokingham – It’s All Going to be OK!

Posted on April 21, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com

Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

It’s all going to be OK…..or is it?

I think that deep down most of us fear the worst – that we’ll get ill and there’ll be nobody to look after us – that we’ll lose our job and there’ll be nobody to support us – that we’ll collapse emotionally and there’ll be nobody to help us recover. For all the confidence we might exhibit to others, for all the competence we might possess in managing our day to day lives, deep down inside us, or inside most of us, there’s a gibbering wreck trying not to get out.

security1It’s not surprising that’s the case because we enter the world in a state of complete dependence. New born babies could not survive without help, and happily, for the vast majority of babies, there’s someone (usually a mother) there to tend to their every need. When a baby’s hungry, or cold, or ill, or needs changing, mum’s there like magic to sort it out. And so we learn, from an early age, that it’s all going to be OK; that when we need somebody, we cry, and they come to help us.

But as we grow up, things get more complicated. There isn’t always someone there – maybe a new baby is taking mum’s attention, maybe mum is ill, maybe we find ourselves expected to cope more on out own – and maybe we make mistakes, maybe we are told off – and so we start to learn that life is difficult, and that mum won’t always come running. And however well we cope with things that come up, however able we are, doubts start to creep in – can I be sure that it is going to be OK?

As adults, one of the great things about being in a stable, long-term relationship is that it restores that deep, inner certainty that we had as kids. Our partner will always be there for us, to catch us when we fall, to hold us when we shake, to calm us when we seethe. If the worst happens, are partner will be there for us. It will all be OK.

Or will it?

security2The trouble is that things can change. Relationships can go wrong, often through nobody’s fault, just because circumstances change. Our feelings change, our partner’s feelings change, and if the relationship doesn’t change with us, it can break down. And so that inner reliance that we built on our partner, that feeling that it will all be OK, is suddenly ripped away. We might still have our kids, our house, our job, our friends and family – at the top level, maybe not that much has changed – but deep down, that fundamental security we felt – that mirrored our feelings as a baby – has been destroyed. And so we can feel, once again, as vulnerable as a new-born baby.

When this happens, it can be almost like you need to grow up again. As we move from childhood to adulthood we gain self-reliance and self-confidence, and it seems that often people need to go through a similar process when a relationship breaks up. We can come to realise that, in the relationship that believed would last forever, we have lost ourselves – our needs and ambitions have been put to one side – we have stopped striving, achieving, being proud of ourselves.

security3And so we have to rebuild, to think for ourselves, a bit like selfish teenagers, except that as adults we are much better placed to make good decisions. We’ve grown up once, so we can do it again, except that we can do it better this time. We can better trust our judgment and our instincts. We can stand up more firmly for what we want and what we believe is right. We can apply ourselves and achieve our objectives.

And it will be OK.

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Counselling in Wokingham – Foam Rubber Shapes

Posted on April 14, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

Counselling can sometimes take unexpected directions, and this week I found myself talking to a client about foam rubber shapes.

If you asked 100 people, as they do on those game shows, to say one word that they associate with foam rubber I’d bet that “squishy” would be an overwhelmingly popular choice, and that was the theme of my conversation with my client.

If you were trying to store some foam rubber shapes in box, you’d start off being able to put them in easily, but soon the box would become full and to contain the shapes properly, you’d have to push them all down and shut the lid. Then, when you had another shape to store, you’d have to open the box, add the shape, push them all down and shut the lid again.

box1As you added more and more shapes to the box, you’d find it best only to only the lid a little, just enough to push the next shape through, before forcing it shut again. It would gradually become increasingly difficult to get that one extra shape into the box.

The point of blogging about all this is to draw a parallel with how we sometimes deal with our feelings. When something bad happens to us, there can be a temptation to park it and move on. Rather than dealing with the event properly, we put our feelings in a box and forget about them. And so our box of feelings gradually fills up.

box2What’s the problem with that? Well, there isn’t necessarily a problem, but there can be. However squishy foam rubber is, there will come a point where the box can hold no more – or the pressure on the box may be too great and the clasp that holds the lid down may break. And once the clasp breaks, and the lid opens, all those shapes that were forced into the box will suddenly spring back to full size, they’ll explode out of the box, and your living room will be covered with a mass off foam rubber shapes – so many that it’s completely overwhelming.

Returning to our feelings, what can cause the box to burst open? I think it is generally caused by some very significant event, a major trauma such as a bereavement, the loss of a job, a road accident. Or it can be a change of circumstances – new responsibilities at work, becoming a parent, or one of our own parents becoming ill and needing more support. Such events can force a major change, and sometimes the box isn’t strong enough, sometimes it breaks open.

Once the box is open, I think it is extremely difficult to close it again. You can try to cram all the shapes back in, you may succeed, you may be able to force the top shut again. But the whole mechanism is now much more fragile, much more likely to burst open again.

If you tend to deal with feelings in this way, there can be signs when your box is getting full – for example, if you find that small things are starting to affect you in a way that seems out of proportion. Do you snap at the kids over little things? Are you suffering panic attacks? Are you experiencing road rage? Do you find yourself crying inexplicably over TV programs? Is your fear of spiders getting out of control?

These are signs that something needs to be addressed, and of course counselling can be a good way of doing that. You don’t have to wait until the whole box bursts open and there are 101 random shapes to deal with. In counselling, you can gently lift the lid a little and take out one or two shapes. And maybe that’s enough to relieve the pressure – or maybe that gives you the confidence to take out a couple more shapes – maybe even to get down to those big, nasty shapes at the bottom that have been there for years.

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Counselling in Wokingham – Making Lists

Posted on April 7, 2013 by

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
Welcome to my counselling blog. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links at the top of this page

When I was a student, studying for my finals, I struggled to apply myself. Somehow there were always a lot of much more interesting things to do than revision. But revision had to be done, and I found it helped me to write out a list of all the things I ought to revise and then to prioritise and schedule them to spread my workload. This gave me control of the situation and enabled me to reward myself (probably in the Gardener’s Arms) when I’d done my quota of revision for the day.

Writing lists can be helpful in all sorts of practical situations; when a problem feels too big it can help to break it down into manageable chunks and attainable targets that take you towards the goal you want.

List1 Lists don’t just help in practical, task-oriented problems but can also help you manage your thoughts and feelings. One example might be in dealing with bereavement. You might write a list of the things you loved about the person, so that you can look at the list and celebrate their life. You might also write a list of the things they would be saying to you if they were alive – or the things you can do now, that you couldn’t do when they were alive.

If you are inclined towards depression, it can be good to have a list of the things you can do that help you feel less down – just small things perhaps, that won’t necessarily snap you out of a bad mood but which might just help you to deal with it a bit better. You might combat low self-esteem with a list of the things you’re good at or proud of, or fight jealousy in a relationship with a list of great memories or things to look forward to.  If you are trying to give up smoking, or deal with some other form of addiction, it can be useful to have a list of things you can do when you feel like a cigarette.

Lists can be mental lists or actual, physical lists. Physical lists are better in a couple of ways. Firstly, the act of creating the list is more satisfying – you might enjoy using a computer to do this, make it look professional, or attractive. Secondly, you don’t have to remember the list – if it’s a list of things you like doing to cheer yourself up there may be too many little things on the list to remember. But a danger of written lists is that others may find them. I remember as a kid, my delight in encountering my father’s list of “Ten resolutions for my old age” – for weeks my brother and I had a great time pointing out anything my father did that even remotely resembled something on the list that he’d resolved not to do. I’m sure he wished he’d kept that list better hidden.

list2Lists can be short or long. A short list can focus you on the most important things – maybe the list of things you need to do to improve your relationship should be like this; your partner might want a hundred things on there but that might be too daunting; concentrating on three things is much more achievable. On the other hand, long list can force you to be creative and change your thinking. If you decide to beef yourself up by writing a list of things you are good at, go big – go for a hundred – or better still, a hundred and nine. That will make you think outside the box and will force you to engage in the task in a different way – to think differently about yourself.

So lists can help in many different situations, but they don’t always work. In fact, my revision lists way back in my student days were only partially successful. Typically, I would feel great after writing out my revision schedule, and for a day or two would study productively. But then I would treat myself to a day off, things would slip, and I would find myself, a few days later, repeating the exercise with some of the less essential stuff removed from the list. In my defence, it was a very hot summer (1976) and my room overlooked our back garden, where one of my housemates, a very attractive Italian girl, had a habit of sunbathing in a bikini, or sometimes less. In retrospect, it’s remarkable that I managed to emerge from such an ordeal with any sort of qualification, so maybe the list did do some good after all….

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