Counselling in Wokingham – Why Do Affairs Happen?

Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – paulcockayne3@gmail.com
This is a sort of counselling “blog” to give you a flavour of how I work. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links above.
There is not, usually, one single reason why an affair happens – it is usually a combination of circumstances. A client of mine recently described it as a “reverse lottery”.
Here’s how it works. For an affair to happen, maybe six different things need to coincide. Examples might be : meeting someone that you fancy, feeling ignored by your partner, being stressed at work, and so on. One of these things on their own wouldn’t lead you into an affair but maybe all six together do. This is not to say that the decision to have an affair is justified, or that it is inevitable – it is a choice that under a certain set of circumstances seems like the right one.
Recovering from an affair is a long and difficult process, and one of the key questions for the non-affair partner is “how can I be sure it won’t happen again?”
This is where the lottery comes in. The first step is to identify the causes. What are the six numbers that need to come up? Then, for each number, you can think about how to handle it differently. So if you start to feel ignored by your partner, what can you do? Maybe what you did before was to withdraw, to talk to someone else. So if that number comes up in the future, your plan might be to flag the situation up to your partner, or to talk to someone “safe” such as a relative or a counsellor.
Having a plan for all six numbers can give you and your partner confidence that things can be different in the future, that there won’t be another affair.

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About Paul Cockayne

Counsellor, musician, iPhone developer, games-player, cheese-lover....
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