Counselling in Wokingham – The secrecy of an affair

Paul Cockayne 07791 970406 –
This blog is intended to give you a flavour of how I work as a counsellor. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links above.
When there has been an affair, there have been secrets. When the affair is discovered, the secret is out, but for the non-affair partner (NAP) the secrets that have existed for the period of the affair are still very real. It is quite usual that the NAP wants to ask a lot of questions about the affair, and doing this helps to remove the history of secrecy and is an important step in the difficult process of rebuilding trust. For this reason it is very important that the affair partner (AP) gives honest answers to questions, even though this might be painful for them.
It is as if there has been a wall dividing the couple, with the NAP on one side and the AP and their other person (OP) on the other side. To rebuild trust, this wall has to be moved, so that the couple are on one side, and the OP is shut out by the wall.
Discussing the past is one way to move the wall. Discussing the present is another. This means that if there is any contact between the OP and the AP, however innocent, the AP needs to tell the NAP about it. Then the couple can decide together how to deal with the situation – e.g. what reply to make to a text from the OP. Recovery from the affair is something that is best done by the couple in partnership.

About Paul Cockayne

Counsellor, musician, iPhone developer, games-player, cheese-lover....
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