Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – firstname.lastname@example.org
This blog is intended to give you a flavour of how I work as a counsellor. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links above
Sometimes we can become very stuck. We can become dispirited and demotivated, we can’t be bothered. So nothing gets done. Or perhaps there are so many little things to do that we can’t decide where to start, we spend all our time thinking about how long our list of jobs is, and no time making it shorter.
Discussing such things in counselling can be helpful in various ways. It may be helpful, for example, for you to set yourself small goals with your counsellor and then, at the next session, to check back on whether you have achieved them. For some people, breaking down something big into small chunks can be very helpful; it can start to make your task, or your goal, less daunting, more achievable, and it can help to separate the things that are more important from those that are less important.
If this works, that’s great – but if not, if things still don’t get done, counselling can help us to explore why that happens. If you are in a place where you are very stuck, where nothing seems worth doing, it can create a vicious circle. You attempt to change it and it doesn’t work, so what’s the point? You start to feel bad about yourself, so it’s not worth trying, is it? Those attempts to change, those feelings you have, leave you more stuck.
Friends and relatives may try to help, but not necessarily in the right way. Attempts to “jolly you along” can feel superficial and pointless. Encouragement to “pull yourself together” can feel bullying and unsympathetic. And these things too, can darken your mood and leave you more stuck.
So what is the answer? Well, sometimes it seems to me that what people need is time. There may be pressure from friends, relatives, and the outside world to “pull you out of it” but you may not, for whatever reason, be ready to be pulled anywhere. But when the time is right, you will be able to make the changes that you feel are necessary, that you want to make. As a counsellor, what I may be seeking to do is to give you the strength to wait, to let yourself take the time you need to get to a place where you can change. And for you, it can be comforting for someone to be saying things like “It’s OK to be stuck. You can go as fast or slow as you like. We can wait together.”
Of course, where you are can affect those around you – your partner, kids, workmates. They may be frustrated by how you are, impatient for change. It can be important to think about how you communicate with those people, how you help them to understand where you are, and what you need from them. I will return to this in a future blog entry.