Paul Cockayne – 07791 970406 – firstname.lastname@example.org
This blog is intended to give you a flavour of how I work as a counsellor. You can find more information about me by clicking one of the links above.
Sexual problems can be very difficult to deal with in a relationship because, even though we may know our partner extremely well, we still may not find it easy to talk about sex.
As with many other relationship issues, communication is very important. Are you able to sit down with your partner and talk about what you like and what you don’t like to do sexually? Can you tell your partner about things you’d like to try? Is your partner respectful of your right to say “no”?
Too many couples seem to rely on telepathy in their sexual relationship. Rather than asking our partner what they’d like us to do, we take a guess at it. Rather than telling our partner what we’d like them to do, we say nothing and hope that they get it right. There may be many reasons for this – embarrassment, perhaps, or a feeling that it’s selfish to ask for what we want. But whatever the reasons, it is often unhelpful, leading to an unsatisfactory sex life, and where we may be going through the motions, pretending to partner that it’s all OK – “Lie back and think of England”.
If communication about sex is difficult, sometimes that can be about having a language that is acceptable for you both. Do you have words you are both comfortable with using to describe parts of your bodies and different sexual acts? Some couples may talk about “making love”, or “being intimate” others about “having sex” or “screwing” – it doesn’t matter what words you use as long as both you and your partner are comfortable with them and can therefore talk openly about your sex life, without embarrassment or misunderstanding.
So sometimes, communication is the answer, to understand what you each like, and to know what anxieties your partner might have and how you can help them with those. Sometimes, however, sexual problems are down to more than just communication, and in those cases it may be that specialised sex therapy and/or help from your GP may be appropriate.
Counselling can help not only in improving communication but also in exploring other issues, perhaps stemming from previous relationships, which may be creating difficulties in your current relationship. Approaching sexual problems as a couple, rather than one individual taking the “blame”, or “thinking of England” is also a healthy by-product of counselling.